Mas Tequila!

I'm not much of a magazine reader. For a few years I subscribed to Yoga Journal but dropped it when I found its content to skew waaay too much toward this commercial concept of yoga that it and other companies are perpetuating these days. I subscribed to Health for about a year--right about the time the magazine changed its format to something I did not enjoy whatsoever.

When I started this whole faudie nonsense, I subscribed to Cooking Light--then quickly discovered that the front half was full of lifestyle crapola I didn't want and the back half's content was all available for free online, so why was I paying for the magazine? Then I subscribed to Cook's Illustrated, which is really a beautiful magazine in its simplicity, but its content.... Well, I've also subscribed to its Web site, making the magazine subscription rather superfluous, and what magazine content isn't included online is...well, it's interesting to read, but it's not stuff I'm going to use day in and day out. Maybe I should: It might make me a better cook.

I'm also receiving (but soon won't be since I haven't paid the invoice and have no plans to) Food Network's new magazine, ingeniously titled Food Network Magazine. At least it makes absolutely no pretensions about what it's all about--marketing the network's stars, programs, cookware, kitchenware and anything and everything that has some kind of connection to Food Network. Since I don't want too much Food Network and find a lot of its stuff irrelevant (I'm looking at you, Paula Dean the Crisco Queen!), a lot of the content in the magazine is irrelevant.

Somebody Tell Guy Fieri Tips Are So Déclassé
The February/March issue of FNM on Saturday, and I thumbed through it in a moment of boredom. I determined my cooking style based on my affinity for a selection of Food Network celebrity chefs (only two of whom I knew of, and I doubt either Iron Chef and former fat man Masaharu Morimoto or Jamie Oliver is my Food Network soul mate), I gawked at the latest in expensive kitchen gadgets, I generally killed some time turning page after page of, well, ephemeral stuff.

Then I came to "Guy's Night." Ahh yes, a macho article about macho foods for that uber-macho event, the Super Bowl. Knowing as you do, Gentle Reader, what a huge fan I am of all things sporting, I'm sure you're wondering what caused me to pause on this article. And I'll tell you. My eyes fell upon a recipe for tequila bars.

Tequila bars, I silently said to myself. Well, that's something.

The recipe struck me as a liquored-up version of lime bars (or lemon bars), and I'm guessing the intent is to sort of have a margarita dessert bar. I've never drank tequila, I've never had a margarita, but I thought I'd give these bars a try--despite never having drank tequila or a margarita and despite the recipe calling for five egg yolks.

Guy Fieri's Tequila Bars1 12-oz. box vanilla wafers
1/2 C pine nuts
3/4 C unsalted butter, melted
1/3 C tequila
1/2 C fresh lime juice
5 large egg yolks, plus 2 egg whites
1 14-oz. can sweetened condensed milk
1 T sugar

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
   
2. Pulse the wafers and pine nuts in a food processor until well ground up. Add the butter and blend until evenly mixed. Set aside 1/4 cup of crumbs.
   
3. Press the remaining crumb mixture evenly into a 9-by-13 shallow baking pan.
   
4. Bake until golden brown (15-18 min.) then let cool.
   
5. In a medium bowl, thoroughly whisk together the tequila, lime juice, egg yolks and condensed milk.
   
6. In another medium bowl, beat the egg whites and sugar with an electric mixer until they hold soft peaks.
   
7. Gently fold the egg whites into the tequila mixture.
   
8. Spread the filling evenly over the crust and bake for 25 minutes, then let cool.
9. Sprinkle the reserved crumbs on top.
   
10. Chill in the fridge for 2 hours or overnight before cutting into bars.
    
11. Drizzle with agave nectar or honey, or top with tequila-spiked whipped cream, if so desired, you horrid lush.

Yield: 16 bars

Nutritional Info
Guy didn't see fit to include any nutritional info. However, I'm sure you can roughly estimate how many calories and fat are in these things given the ingredients. Alcohol=empty calories, after all.

The Faudie's Futzings
So that I could make these with a somewhat not-so-guilty conscience, here's how I lightened Mr. Tips' recipe:

• I used reduced-fat Nilla Wafers. Yeah, sure, they're much dryer and far less flavorful than regular Nilla Wafers, but you people who can eat crap like that and not feel awful--physically, emotionally and spiritually--can suck it.
  
• I only used about 2 ounces (probably 1/4 cup) of pine nuts because I only bought one package at HEB.
  
• I used fat-free sweetened condensed milk. I don't think I've ever noticed a difference between it and the regular version.
  
• I used salted, light Land 'o Lakes butter. I knew there was no way in hell my favorite Promise fat-free butter would work. Again, I don't think the low-fat butter made too much of a difference, whereas the fat-free butter would have royally made a difference.
  
• I used key lime juice from a bottle. I didn't have enough limes in the house to get the half-cup I needed.

So how did these suckers turn out? Well, that's a good question that I honestly can't answer. Allow me to explain.

I have no idea if the tequila I used is any good. I walked into Twin Liquors on my way home from the gym yesterday morning and told the clerk that I needed the smallest, cheapest bottle of tequila the store offered. I paid all of $7.03 for my prize, and I have no idea if the quality was worth even that much. All I do know is that the smell of booze was very strong when I poured in the third-cup of tequila, was still very strong when I went to wash the measuring cup I'd poured the tequila in and was very prominent when I took the baked bars out of the oven.

I'd say too that the booze was still pretty strong when I took my first bite of the bars after supper because the husband proclaimed, "Oh, I wish I had a camera so I could capture the expression on your face right now." Or perhaps I just can't hold my liquor. I dunno.

I suspect that perhaps I didn't get the egg whites folded into the tequila-yolk-milk mixture well enough or that I didn't get the tequila blended into all the other topping ingredients well enough because the husband and I both noticed that some bites produced a stronger lime taste first followed by the tequila while other bites had the strong booze taste chased by the lime. Interesting, non?

Speaking of those egg whites, I also suspect I may not have gotten them to the right beaten and submissive state. I got little peaks that held a second or two and stopped there for fear of overbeating. I've never done well when it comes to beating egg whites into a good, peaky froth. I always screwed them up when I'd make this fabulous chocolate mousse recipe I got in high school French class, and I've generally avoided recipes calling for beaten, frothy egg whites for this reason. I can say now that nearly a year of somewhat confident cooking has not improved my skill with egg whites. Oh well.

Because of the bars are, at least to me, awfully boozy, I found drizzling some agave nectar atop helped temper the alcohol and added a nice counterpoint of sweetness--very subtle sweetness--to the citrus bite of the key lime. Perhaps if I'd used regular lime juice I wouldn't need the agave, but I guess I'll never know unless I try this recipe again, which I doubt. I guess a second attempt will depend on whether my dear friend the world's greatest Spin instructor and committed lover of margaritas enjoys the bars since I sort of made them for her. We'll see.

Oh, just one more note about this recipe: Listening to podcasts of Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me makes the going much, much easier--and f'in hilarious.