Evidence That Something's Wrong With the Midwest

I present to you, Gentle Reader, the True Wisconsin Bloody Mary.

I've heard of Bloody Mary drinks. I've heard of shrimp cocktail appetizers. This monstrosity is...an hors d'oeuvre you drink? An apertif that doubles as finger food? What the hell is this abomination, and what is going on in Wisconsin that led to its creation?

Remind me never to visit Wisconsin.

This Is So Very, Very Wrong

Mexican Wontons.

Nastiness on a Bun

Sloppy Joes with corn. Not corn on the side, Gentle Reader, but corn mixed into the meat.

Yeah, insert your own scatalogical joke here.

Need to Kill Your Thanksgiving Guests?

I think this masterpiece ought to do it.


I think the sprinkles atop the buttercream frosting are the perfecting touch to this monstrosity. Can you say, "Blorf!" Gentle Reader?

Eat Your Heart Out, Papa Murphy's

About the only time I see "normal" broadcast television programming is when I'm running at the gym between those family-friendly hours of 7 and 10 a.m. The national morning news/infotainment programs of the former Big 3 are as incredibly inane as ever, nor have the commercials really changed since the time I was a kid. "Convenience" is the label they give so many of the products advertised, and now that no one apparently cooks from scratch, the morning commercials love to flog the latest in convenience, "almost homemade!" meals.

Thus we get from Papa Murphy's the jack-o-lantern pizza for the low, low price of $6.99. (At least that's the price in the Central Texas market.) Nothing says Halloween like a crappy pizza with oily cheese, oily pepperoni and a token pair of black olives. Woo-woo.

Yeah, I figured the boys would love it.

But there's no way I'm paying $6.99 for something anyone with a few functional brain cells can do. Someone with a whole lot of functional brain cells and a penchant for getting crafty can really improve on this concept. See what I mean:

Now that's a pumpkin pie!

Seriously, when I get this crafty, I kind of make myself sick. And with pepperoni of all things....

I have to admit that I'm rather impressed my improvised pita stem browned nicely in the oven to look even more like a stem. I didn't expect the cheese to run everywhere since it's low-fat cheese and typically doesn't do that, but I was nevertheless pleased that Pumpkin Face didn't come out looking like Pizza the Hut:

Gross-out Halloween Foods

Ever been to a haunted house or some other Halloween event at which were on display for your tactile and visual delight an assortment of fiendish foods? Platters of cold cooked spaghetti masquerading as intestines or worms? Severed finger sandwiches? Jell-o mold brains?

Well, I don't think this recipe for individual baked eggs is intended to be a Halloween gross-out food, but the picture sure makes it a prime candidate for your next Halloween party!


Mmmm...nothing says Halloween yumminess like a gouged-out eyeball wrapped in muscle and viscera and resting on...a cheese-covered English muffin.

Oh, Cap'n, Why'd Ya Make This Happen?

So it's the wonderful time of the year at last when the Halloween stuff comes out. Once school starts, Gentle Reader, I start counting down the days until I see my first bag of Brachs mallowcreme pumpkins. When that day comes, oh joy!

This year not only did I see mallowcreme pumpkins, my eyes spied a special Halloween item at the end of the cereal aisle at Wally World: Cap'n Crunch's Halloween Crunch. Normally I don't give a rat's patoot about Cap'n Crunch, for it's not a Kellogg's cereal and therefore I have no special attachment to the Cap'n. However, the husband does have a thing for the Cap'n, and since I try to keep the Crappin' Cap'n out of my pantry, the boy naturally has a thing for this sugary cereal-peddling icon.

Yes, Gentle Reader, I bought a box of the stuff. Hey, it promises to turn milk green. What more could you want?

And yes, Gentle Reader, I bought milk to see if the cereal actually turns milk green. In for a penny....

Let the great Saturday morning experiment begin!

For the integrity of the project, we should have had a control serving, but...really? The scientific method goes out the window when two males are hungry and have been presented with the prospect of color-changing sustenance.

After adding a bit of milk (the husband was pouring, so I can't tell you how much was added--again, so much for sound scientific method principles) and allowing the constituents to sit for a few moments (not sure how long), here's what we got:
Yes, Gentle Reader, that's right. We got green milk.

It's not ectoplasm green milk, but it's a seafoam green shade, which still counts.

Of course, the next question is this: Is it safe to drink this crap once it's green? Well, let me say this about this secondary experiment: We broadened our sampling population to answer this question. In addition to the husband, who drank the milk in his bowl, and the boy, who drank some of the milk in his bowl but then rejected it for reasons he kept to himself, we tried it out on what we thought would be a sure-fire audience: Nickelbucket. Good 'ol Bucket loves him some milk, especially "forbidden" milk in a human's bowl, cup or spoon.

Here's the record of Bucket's participation for your viewing pleasure, Gentle Reader.

What's interesting in this experiment is that N to the B will usually gobble up milk once he's identified it. From the pictures above, you'd expect that, wouldn't you, Gentle Reader?

Well, you're wrong. And the fact that he didn't even touched the spilled milk is telling. He usually goes for that before whatever's in the container.

Since Bucket wasn't an entirely conclusive participant, we sought one more participant and found one in Keeko Jr. Dear Keeko Jr. is much like Parmer Dude--very food-motivated. He's the first one to make it to the food bowls when one of us goes out to feed our brood of moochers, even if he was still lingering by the shed in the far corner of the backyard when the person avec food arrived on the porch. And Keeko Jr. is very much like the human males at Chez Boeckman-Walker: He'll eat just about anything.

So we put the bowl before Keeko Jr. and waited inside with baited breath (and some of us with green-tinted tongues).

Keeko Jr. obliged by ducking his head into the bowl and seeming to go for the bait.

But then...well, this happened:
That's one disgruntled, disgusted, disappointed pussy cat. Keeko and the Cap'n ain't makin' it happen.

Who Comes Up With This Crap?

As I'm sure you know very well by now, Gentle Reader, the boys and I don't eat out much at chain restaurants because the food offerings available at them are, in a word, revolting. But given all the rumblings and rantings and ravings about the "obesity epidemic" and "America's ever-expanding waistline" and all that "scare you into eating prepackaged 'diet' food that'll kill you just as easily as the other stuff, if maybe a little slower" food, it takes a lot of chutzpah to keep adding to the menu choices that not only are revolting but just...make a sane person wonder if somewhere in some back room there isn't a cabal of fast-food and casual-dining restaurant menu planners in a race to outdo one another in terms of revolting menu items.

I present to you, Gentle Reader, as Exhibit A:

Denny’s fried cheese Melt with wavy fries and marinara

It takes a real food genius to recognize the taste sensation that results when one sticks deep fat fried phony mozzarella sticks between two slices of phony American cheese that are between two slice of bleached-to-nutritional-nothingness white bread and smeared with that slap in the face to cows every, margarine. Oh! Don't forget the novelty fries and that Ronald Reagan-approved vegetable, ketchup!

Yummy.

If you haven't been revolted enough today, Gentle Reader, check out the Web posting (I refuse to call it an article because this ain't journalism any more than what I'm doing here is journalism) from which I learned about this monstrosity.
UPDATE
Since publishing this post about half an hour ago, the husband has bombarded me with follow-up tidbits about not only this abomination from Dennys but also about the revolting trend of sticking food in food for one's gluttonous yen. Since he first alerted me to the Dennys abomination, I feel compelled to pass along these other retched (yes, I intended that) finds.


I miss Xzibit and Pimp My Ride. Remember those heady days of financial irresponsibility when people could max out their credit cards on stupid things for their cars? Okay, that probably still happens, but I still miss Xzibit.

The husband also discovered that the fine folks at Wait Wait... are Don’t Tell Me are way ahead of this thing and will no doubt be mentioned on an upcoming show, maybe even this weekend. I tell ya, Gentle Reader, you can learn anything and everything from NPR. Where do I send my pledge?

Really? These Are the Best of the Decade?

Today I got yet another email from MyRecipes.com, but instead of a recipe I'd probably never make, it heralded the top 10 food trends of the previous decade. With the demise of Gourmet, there's sort of a wide-open field for the leading voice in food journalism, so why shouldn't the "editors" of Food Channel (not to be confused with Food Network) take a stab at proclaiming the best things to happen to food from 2000 to 2009?

Since I'm an amateur food anthropologist/historian, I clicked the email's link just for shits and giggles.

Sadly, there were no giggles to be had. Shits? Yes. Groans? Oh yes. Eye rolls galore? Indeed!

I mean, do you think a list that spotlights bacon as one of the top 10 food trends of the first decade of the 21st century is really
worth the bandwidth it takes up? Bacon, Gentle Reader! What's so revolutionary about cured pork belly or fatback? It's...atherosclerosis in convenient, red and white, greasy strips. And it's highlighted in the same list as healthful whole grains and oils. If that's not some type of irony (even if it is Alanis Morissette's brand of irony), then I don't know what is.

If you need a good guffaw, Gentle Reader, check out the list for yourself. I guess it's proof that just about any monkey with a computer connected to the Internet these days can be a food journalist.

Food Porn

I'm not a fan of food porn. It gives me a complex. That beautifully prepared and displayed food in that photo has been primped, plumped, faked and Photoshopped as much as any fashion model--and yet I still feel pressured to have my final dish look as good as the photo accompanying the recipe.

I somehow doubt I'm the only one who experiences this problem, but nevertheless, food porn's a big business. You've got professional food photographers and food handlers for photoshoots--hell, Food Network even had a competition for Food Network Challenge in which food handlers prepared particular dishes for photos, and the person deemed to have prepared the best-looking dishes in the resulting photos won. Never mind if the food was nutritious or even prepared well. Certain undercooked foods photograph better than fully cooked ones, and some foods aren't even used at all because they don't photograph well. Got milk? Nope, got Elmer's glue.

But if the picture makes you want to buy the food product advertised or make the recipe, then the porn's done it's job.

If the image repulses you and makes you physically ill, then it hasn't done its job. Methinks the folks who've contributed photos for this steak pie recipe on AllRecipes.com should reconsider their ability to create food porn before uploading any more photos:

Pardon me, Gentle Reader, but I have to go toss my cookies now....

Speaking of Pepto

Today the folks who run the Texas State Fair announced the annual list of deep-fried shit served at the fair. Sadly, deep-fried feces is not on the list.

While perusing the list and discussing what, to us, makes a good deep-fried gimmick, I offered up this potential winner: Deep-fried Tums.

Somebody get me Paula Deen, some flour and a beaten egg, stat!

Hey, why not? The FSM knows you're going to need some kind of gut relief after consuming such abominations as deep-fried butter. And deep-frying those chalky tablets might make them more edible.

Have fun at the fair, y'all! Try not to hurl on the Tilt-a-Wheel after consuming your Texas fried pecan pie.

Everybody's a Chef Now

This evening the boys and I watched yet another moronic cake-decorating battle on Food Network Challenge this evening while noshing on leftovers. (I swear, if I could give Food Network a huge chunk of money, I too could have a cake-decorating battle all about me.) While fast forwarding through the commercials, I did a double take I did not ever expect to do while watching (or fast forwarding through commercials on) Food Network:

Was that Brian Boitano cooking?

After a quick rewind 'o the DVR, I discovered that, sure enough, 'twas indeed 1988 men's figure skating Olympic gold medalist Brian Boitano cooking. He wasn't just cooking. He was pitching his upcoming new show on Food Network, What Would Brian Boitano Cook? (If you're a fan of South Park, Gentle Reader, you will get the joke immediately.)

Oh, so that's what he's doing now, I thought. Guess it beats the hell out of other things he could be doing.

Because I was somewhat of a fan back in the day, I bopped over to FoodNetwork.com to see what I could see about this new show and, in some small way, confirm that I wasn't hallucinating. Brian Boitano cooking? That's just...yeah. Okay. Not much is available yet, except for this incredibly disgusting clip from the show (I'm guessing) in which Mr. Olympic Gold Medalist and a guy who probably spends a fair amount of time on his hair make a bacone.

"What the hell's a bacone?" you ask, Gentle Reader?

It's.... No, I can't do it. I just can't describe it. It's too nauseating to contemplate. You just...you just have to watch it for yourself.

Blorf!

A Terrible Thing to Do to a Date

The headline read, "Sweet Meets Savory."

I thought, "Blorf and blasphemy!"

Dates With Bacon

"Wrap big, soft, luscious Medjool dates in bacon, then fry until crisp." And try not to hurk and blorf yourself.

It's Not Envy I'm Green With

Yes, yes, Gentle Reader, I know it's been a while since I last posted, but trust me when I say life at Chez Boeckman-Walker has been ridiculously crazy and won't be coming anywhere near sane until...well, until the boy goes back to school. I've opted to just put my head down, focus on the now, get done what needs to be done and not worry too much about what's ahead because it'll be here sooner rather than later.

Because I'm so locked into seeing through a busy schedule, odd, random things amuse me to no end these days. One of those odd, random things crossed my Outlook inbox this morning, and I just had to share it with you.

So tell me, Gentle Reader, would you eat...

Avocado Icing?

Wow.

That's all I could muster this Sunday morning after seeing these two incredibly frightening food finds. That utterance, of course, came after I picked my jaw up off the floor.

Tacos in Pasta Shells

"This recipe has a Mexican flavor and is tasty and easy to make," proclaims the proud poster of this travesty.

Mashed Potato Tacos

"Good kids' snack--crunchy taco shells filled with mashed potatoes, French fried onions, sour cream, butter, and cheese" is how the contributor (a term I use loosely) of this travesty describes this abomination. "Top with additional sour cream, cheese, French fried onions, and hot or mild sauce."

Wow, what won't Whitey McWonder-Bread think of to put on a plate and call food?

"This is truely the greatest recipe of all time."

Here's a recipe I could have written, particularly if I'd been taken over by the ghost of Poppy Cannon:

Angel Food Cupcakes
Revolutionary culinary thinking in this one, Gentle Reader. Be sure to read the reviews if you want to keep laughing.

The Many Uses and Abuses of Coca-Cola

Up until the fine folks at Coca-Cola brought back the original formula of Coke, albeit improved with high fructose corn syrup, my one true soda love was Coke. Sure, I got the occasional Sprite at the K-Mart cafeteria, but I was a Coca-Cola kid. That's not to say that I drank the stuff by the gallon as a tot. Soda wasn't as ubiquitous a drink back when I was a kid as it is today, plus we were too poor to buy it by the gallon.

Anywho, as times have changed and the unchecked distribution of the family of Coke beverages along with Coke nostalgia and Coke culture have become a relatively huge force in the world, I've noticed how the beverage has...um, transcended drink-of-choice with fast-food burgers and fries for many folks to become a more...um, commonplace household item. I mean, we've all heard about using Coke to clean corrosion off batteries, right? While poking around the Internet, I found Rob's Coke Room has dedicated a page to various household uses of the stuff, including as a meat tenderizer.

Additionally, Coke seems to be somewhat popular as an ingredient, particularly in recipes birthed in kitchens in its Southern home. The elder sister sent along this one, published recently in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

Coca-Cola Sloppy Joes1.5 pounds lean ground beef or turkey
1 large onion, chopped
1 C Coca-Cola
1 C thick, tomato-based barbecue sauce
6 hamburger buns

1. In a nonstick skillet over medium-high heat, brown the beef or turkey with the onion until the onion is soft and the meat is no longer pink, about 5-10 minutes.
   
2. Reduce heat to medium, stir in cola and barbecue sauce and continue to cook, stirring occasionally, until sauce is thickened to desired consistency, another 10-15 minutes.
   
3. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
   
4. Toast cut side of buns, if desired, under broiler or in a skillet.
   
5. Heap mixture onto buns and serve.

I'm fighting the urge to vomit as I type this up. I'm not even going to post the nutritional info out of sheer disgust, but if you want to see it, check AJC.com.

If you haven't lost your gorge, Gentle Reader, check out this Coke-fueled delight from the yellowed pages of my Culinary Arts Institute Encyclopedic Cookbook of the early 1970s:

Cola Marsh Sherbet24 marshmallows
2 C cola beverage
2 T lemon juice
1/8 t salt

1. Place the marshmallows and 2 tablespoons of cola beverage in a saucepan.
   
2. Head slowly, folding over and over until marshmallows are about half melted.
   
3. Remove from heat and continue folding until mixture is smooth and fluffy.
   
4. Cool slightly, then add remaining cola beverage, salt and lemon juice.
   
5. Blend thoroughly.
   
6. Pour into freezing tray of refigerator and freeze until firm, stirring 2 or 3 times while freezing.

Yield: 4 or 5

Mercifully, editor Ruth Berolzheimer chose not to include an amber- and orange-saturated photo of this concoction, so use your imagination, Gentle Reader. Unfortunately, the husband has used his imagination quite a bit on this one and seems to think it's one I ought to make.

"Not in this lifetime" is a phrase he should know well by now.

Of course, if you really want to go Southern-disgusting on a Coke-based dessert, there's always deep-fried Coke:
And that's why state fairs have earned the reputations they have. ::shudder::

Unspeakable Things That Happen in the Kitchen

Beer Butt Chicken

Sticking alcohol containers into the gutted carcass of poultry is just wrong. Shoving a beer can up a dead, gutted chicken carcass and dubbing the recipe "Beer Butt Chicken" is even more wrong.

A Frightening Food Find for a Fiery Friday

Summer is such fun here in Central Texas, especially when we sit around and watch the mercury climb. And there's nothing like sweltering heat to put you in the mood for food that looks disgusting.

Barbecued Dog's Head, Anyone?

'...then we get bored and do something kind of stupid.'

While searching for something from the June issue, I found an interesting article on Gourmet's Web site that is sort of like my own frightening food finds: "The Gross-Food Movement." Check out this delectable excerpt:

Consider the Taco Town Taco. Inspired by a Saturday Night Live skit of the same name, gross foodie Andrew Sloan and his friends spent hours in an Oklahoma kitchen building this fast-food Frankenstein. Layered among the tortillas and beans were a crèpe stuffed with sausage and eggs, a 'meat lovers’' freezer pizza, and a blueberry pancake. Sloan and friends put it together, dipped it into a vat of batter, and deep-fried it. Then they dropped it into a bucket of vegetarian chili. Then they ate it. A few bites at least.

How did it taste? 'We thought, "If it's all good-tasting stuff, it should all taste good when you put it together,"' says Sloan. 'But when you get a blueberry in the same bite as a pepperoni, it just makes you want to throw up.' So why spend all that time making it? 'We've got big football games down here, and every now and then we get bored and do something kind of stupid.' Sloan's most recent boredom-fueled gross-food creation was a fondue fountain modified to burble chili instead of cheese or chocolate. 'You could just kind of hold the hot dog in your hand and run it under the fountain of chili,' says Sloan. 'In theory at least. It flowed, but it wasn't quite as beautiful as we had imagined.'

As you may already know, Gentle Reader, I was born and raised in Oklahoma, so I can attest to the "big" football games and the stupidity of many a people who attend them. However, I have to admit I'm surprised someone in Oklahoma had the...ingenuity to rig up a fondue fountain to burble forth chili. That strikes me as a beer-fueled moment's inspiration from a Texas tailgater.

If you don't read the article, do at least check out one of the blogs it references, "This Is Why You're Fat." I dare you to look at any of the pictures posted there and even consider the photos' contents to be edible food. And just as a fair warning, make sure you haven't eaten shortly before viewing the site.