A Fundamental Truth

I have discovered one of those fundamental truths of the universe:

Eventually, everyone ends up on Law & Order.

May the FSM forgive me, but I've become something of a Law & Order junkie. Hell, it's really easy because there's only hundreds and hundreds of episodes available for rebroadcast and at least three channels (TNT, USA and Bravo) airing those repeats. And now that the new season has started, at least two of the shows--Law & Order and its first progeny, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit--will be back on NBC. I seem to recall that new episodes of another spawn, Law & Order: Criminal Intent aired on TNT, or perhaps these episodes, featuring new cast member Jeff "The Fly" Goldblum, were just new to TNT.

Mind you, it's not that I really enjoy the shows all that much. They're just...ubiquitous. They're always on. And for someone who has a fair amount of time on her hands, it's easy to just start watching. And never really stop.

It's the ubiquitousness of the show that proves the fundamental truth I have learned. Out-of-work has-been actors and actresses need a franchise such as Law & Order so they can make the rent, right? So really these shows are a godsend.

Moreoever, it's absolutely fascinating to see who's going to show up next. I can't tell you how many former big-time soap opera leads (primarily males) I've encountered as guest stars. The guy who played Philip Spaulding briefly on The Guiding Light (rest in peace), the guy who played Craig for years (and still might) on As the World Turns--those are just two examples right off the top of my head. I wouldn't be surprised if Kim Zimmer, better known as the Slut of Springfield, aka Reva Shayne Lewis Lewis Lewis Spaulding Lewis O'Neill Lewis etc., hasn't appeared at least once on one of the shows.

And then there's the former Hollywood box office draws. In addition to Jeff Goldblum, who scored himself a gig as a regular (well, as regular as one can get on Criminal Intent, which seems to divvy up episodes among three pairs of detectives), I've suffered through Rebecca De Mornay, Steve Guttenberg (no, he didn't fall off the face of the earth!), Robin Williams, Julia Roberts, Andrew McCarthy, Beverly D'Angelo and Chevy Chase....

Yep, half of the Griswold family has been on Law & Order

Of course, Gentle Reader, you can probably very easily guess that the shows are also littered with bigger-name TV stars. Many of them I never saw on the shows on which they gained fame, and I'm sure after watching their guest-starring turns that I'm better off for it. Whoever said Swoosie Kurtz could act is, hopefully, burning in one of those circles of Hell right now.

In addition to these folks, there are the oddball stunt castings, particularly for sweeps episodes. Bobby Flay, that lead singer guy from Sugar Ray, Madhur Jaffray (whose many talents are probably unknown to 99 percent of SVU's viewing audience), one-time presidential candidate/Congressperson/actor-type person/general old white man grump Fred Thompson (although he's been a recurring character for a few seasons, so that's not exactly stunt casting)--those are just some of the examples.

Grumpy Old White Guy Thompson is not a freelance mammographer

So you see, Gentle Reader, everybody ends up on Law & Order sooner or later.

Although I bet the folks know that when they wind up on Law & Order, they know it's too late.