3.14159265....

Everyone's mad about pies this time of year--or so various media outlets would have us believe. Mum is a baker, but she never made pies at Thanksgiving and Christmas the way friends and acquaintances of mine do. I recall the occasional pecan pie to satisfy my father or my elder sister, but I also seem to recall these things were quite a hassle to produce. As for the traditional pumpkin pie, Mum made a concoction that I found far more flavorful than any pumpkin pie that we've since dubbed pumpkin mush, since that was the result once you stirred together the pumpkin...mousse and the whipped cream Mum made to accompany it. Ahh, such fond memories I have of pumpkin mush!

I'm sort of carrying on Mum's tradition of largely boycotting pies. When King Arthur Flour was in town at the end of October for baking demonstrations, I opted not to attend the pie-making session. I have no use for tips and tricks for making the perfect pie crust. While I've made a few cookie crumb and graham cracker crumb crusts in my faudie days to hold some sort of Jello and Cool Whip blend, I don't ever see myself venturing into the realm of pie crusts lovely blended with butter chilled to just the right temperature and shaped with just the right amount of pressure. I don't like pies, therefore I won't bake them.

That said, though, I did bake a sort of pie tonight. No, it wasn't a dessert pie of any type, Gentle Reader, and no Cool Whip was involved. This pie involved ::shudder:: Bisquick, that staple of Mum's pantry that I myself used sparingly in my prefaudie days and scorn openly in my faudie days.

Mimi's Zucchini Pie4 eggs
1/4 C vegetable oil
1 t baking powder
1 C all-purpose baking mix
1 1/2 C sliced zucchini
1 1/2 C sliced yellow squash
1/4 C chopped onion
1 large ripe tomato, sliced
1/4 C grated Parmesan cheese
Salt and pepper to taste

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
   
2. Lightly grease a 9" deep dish pie plate.
   
3. Whisk together the eggs and oil with salt and pepper in a bowl.
   
4. Stir in the baking powder and baking mix until moistened.
   
5. Gently fold in zucchini, squash and onion.
   
6. Pour the mixture into the pie plate.
   
7. Arrange the sliced tomato over the top.
   
8. Sprinkle the pie filling with Parmesan cheese to taste.
   
9. Bake the pie until puffed and golden brown, about 35 min.

Yield: 8 servings

Nutritional Info
Calories: 184
Fat: 12.6 g
Protein: 6.2 g
Fiber: 1.1 g
Carbs: 12.6 g
Cholesterol: 108 mg
Sodium: 409 mg

The Faudie's Futzings
Yes, this is one of the Poppy Cannon-worthy recipes. And yes, I couldn't help but make a few changes:

• I used four eggs' worth of liquid egg whites.
  
• I didn't use any salt, but I did use a relatively copious amount of freshly ground pepper.
  
• Since I eschew Bisquick but have a boy who likes pancakes every now and then, I used low-fat Pioneer Brand biscuit and baking mix. And because the cannister the mix comes lacks an easy-pore retractable spout, I wound up using a tad more than one cup of the stuff thanks to spillage.
  
• While I do have some yellow crookneck squash chunks among the scads of squashes Mum gave me from her garden, I used white squash instead. (The zucchs I used also came from Mum's garden.)
  
• In lieu of a fresh tomato or even slicing up a whole, peeled tomato from a can, I cracked open a can of no-salt-added diced tomatoes, drained the juice into the pot of pasta sauce I'd whipped up for the boys and then scattered some tomato diced pieces atop my little masterpiece.
  
• Screw the Parmesan. Me no likey the cheese.

I bookmarked this recipe from AllRecipes.com on a whim: While I had all the ingredients at the ready, I couldn't really see myself making this one because I'd be the only one eating it, and I'm not terribly keen on exerting a fair amount of baking time for something just for me.

But then came our first real cold front of the fall. After spending most of the day with my already tense shoulders hunched up around my ears to ward off the cold that never seems to leave the house once it's in, I was ready to turn on the oven and have it on for at least half an hour.

The oven wound up being on for damn near an hour. Thirty minutes after putting my pie in the oven, the bread-to-be was still gooey and doughy. Three to five minutes after that, the bread-to-be had started to look a bit more like dough. Five minutes after that, the crust was starting to turn golden. Three to five minutes after that, the bread-to-be in the body of the pie was starting to turn golden. Finally, five minutes after that, the damn thing was ready to come out of the oven.

Can I interest you in something warm from the oven?

By the time the pie was ready (and I knew going in that additional baking time was needed, for several recipe reviewers noted as much), I'd already had a good helping of lightly sauted leftover zucchs and white squash. But here's the thing, Gentle Reader: The smell of the hot-from-the-oven baking mix along with the smell of the onions and tomatoes took me back to the pizzas Mum would make some Friday nights using Bisquick for the crust and browned Potter sausage and tomato sauce for the topping (along with some garlic and onion powders, oregano and shredded cheese) that we'd enjoy with a small glass of Coke poured from a glass deposit-required bottle.

Okay, so the pie tasted nothing like the pizzas of yore, but, damn those memories, my pie was wonderfully comforting and warming in ways that anything else from the oven on this chilly, windy evening could ever be. I'm further ashamed to admit that I wound up eating the whole damn thing. I just couldn't imagine trying to reheat the leftovers, and I couldn't resist those feelings of warmth and comfort the pie evoked.

Pathetic, non? But, hey, I guess that's why pies are so popular this time of year. Waaaay back when, women in household kitchens made pies as a special treat for a holiday. The baking and eating of those pies instilled cherished memories that have been recreated to be shared from generation to generation. So what if my pie memories focus more on Bisquick than sweet, gooey fillings and crusts painstakingly rolled out with rolling pins that served both as kitchen utensils and sabers for the proverbial saber-rattling! It's all good.

What I Didn't See at Target at 5 O'clock This Morning

Man, I so wish I'd had this toy as a kid. Maybe if I'd had it along with my dual-burner Fisher Price kitchen set I had when I was a wee one, maybe I'd have been a faudie long before now.

Sadly, this stove worked better than the one that came with our house.

But I don't even know where to score a teach-me-to-gut-a-fish toy. I found it in a HuffingtonPost.com slideshow of toys you shouldn't buy your kids, but the product's not identified. Personally, I don't have a problem with this toy. Such a thing could get a kid interested in the culinary arts or in fishing--and at the very least doesn't hide the fact that fish we eat comes from an animal that was once alive and that has to be cut just so for consumption. There's too little honesty in our daily food consumption, I think.

No, instead when I was at Target this morning at the butt-crack of dawn, I scored the penultimate 1 terabyte external hard drive the store had, along with the last two 4 GB USB key drives from the big early-bird door-buster sale. Oh, and I also scored a free reusable bag, even though I was probably in the 150s of the people waiting in line and the bags were, according to the sales flyer, for the first 100 people in line. Not that I'm complaining.

How was your Black Friday, Gentle Reader? Hit any big sales hours before dawn to do your part to contribute to our consumerist society, or were you too bloated from your Thanksgiving celebrations to move? Or are you like the human residents here at Chez Boeckman-Walker--not so much into any Thanksgiving "traditions"?

I think my elder sister is convinced I'm somehow depriving my son because the boy's never watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, even though that turkey hold a very special place in my heart.

Eh, screw tradition. Make up your own, I say!

The Cycling Misadventures of a Faudie

Happy birthday to me, Gentle Reader!

That's right--I'm a year older. Well, technically a year and a week and a day older, but who's counting right?

To celebrate this particular anniversary of my birth, I acquired with the generous help of loved ones a brand new bike. A Trek 7.3 FX hybrid, to be precise--the same one I made the mistake of falling in love with this summer. I'd actually put it on layaway at the end of September, and the husband made the final payment and I rode it home on my birthday.

Wee! This baby can fly!

As much as I loved 'Ol Yeller, the early-90s Specialized Hardrock, my new bike is frickin' fantabulous. Hills I used to dread climbing on 'Ol Yeller barely register on this hybrid. Downhills I used to fly down on 'Ol Yeller are now glorious roller coaster-like drops that have me thinking if I hit a rock or some other piece of litter, I'm going to go flying over the handlebars for an intimate encounter with the pavement.

Y'know, 20 years after I got Fred the Red 10-speed and my first-ever brand-new bike, it seems fitting I get this new bike.

Of course, I couldn't just leave the thing well enough as is. No, I went and bought a new pair of peddles so I could wear my Spin shoes for long rides (like the ride I took to Cedar Park--just over 25 miles--the first Sunday I had it) but still be able to wear my crappy old running shoes for when I peddle up to the gym four days a week. While I'm very accustomed to clipping in and out on a Spin bike, doing it on a bike that moves? That's a whole different story!

Needless to say, taking the bike up and down the street in front of the house to practice clipping out of the pedals as I come to a stop resulted in not one but two intimate encounters with pavement.

I gots a boo-boo!

I can't remember when the last time I skinned my knees was. Probably 25 years or so.

Oh well. It's my first case of road rash. Guess I'm a real cyclist now!

My Triumphant Return to Baking

Hey there, Gentle Reader, long time no post, non? Yeah, I know--I'm a total slacker and derelict in my duties as a faudie to share my culinary misadventures with you. Worse still, I've allowed the husband to have two posts in a row. Le sigh...

I ask that you give me this chance to rectify the situation. I have a culinary misadventure to share with you at long last. For you see, Gentle Reader, I have returned to baking. No, that Halloween cake I made doesn't count. And it wasn't the cooler weather that got me back to baking, nor was it a strongly compelling recipe (although the recipe did seem awfully tasty when I saw it). Instead, I was inspired by our recent shopping trips to Sprouts Farmers Market in Round Rock.

Yeah, yeah, Gentle Reader, I know I bitched about Sprouts after my first visit, but while it has a lot of audacity calling itself a farmers' market, it does have some damn good prices on fresh fruits and veggies and on bulk foods. Sure, Sprouts doesn't have the bulk foods playlands that Whole Paycheck and Central Markup have, but the sale prices on items I really want (Need? Eh, not so much!) make up for the relatively limited selection.

Among the bulk food items on sale this month at Sprouts are the dried cranberries and--what a glorious find!--dried cranberries with added orange flavor. Oh! how the FSM blessed us all when it gave us these little morsels of deliciousness! Pair a palm-size portion of those little edible rubies with a bite of dark chocolate-coated honeycomb (also on sale this month, praises be!), and you've got yourself a damn fine orgasm of taste, Gentle Reader.

So how does this orgasm of taste have anything to do with me returning to baking? This is how: For as luscious as those orangey cranberries are by themselves and paired with dark chocolate-coated honeycomb, they also struck me as the perfect candidate for inclusion in some kind of baked good. Sure, sure, I've got a bread machine recipe or two I could use them in, but do I really need another brick of fruit bread taking up space in my 'fridge? Not really.

MyRecipes.com came to my aid. In one of its "Daily Indulgence" emails appeared a recipe for cranberry-oatmeal bars originally published in Cooking Light. Miracle of miracles, I had all the ingredients, and on the night that I had to whip up a sizable portion of bulgogi and japchae for the boy to take to school the next day for his class' Feast of Sharing, I got the crazy idea to make up a batch of the bars as well.

Cranberry-oatmeal Bars4.5 oz. all-purpose flour (about 1 C)
1 C quick-cooking oats
1/2 C packed brown sugar
1/4 t salt
1/4 t baking soda
1/4 t ground cinnamon
6 T butter, melted
3 T orange juice
1 1/3 C dried cranberries (about 6 oz.)
3/4 C sour cream
1/2 C granulated sugar
2 T all-purpose flour
1 t vanilla extract
1/2 t orange zest
1 large egg white, lightly beaten

1. Preheat the oven to 325°.
   
2. Combine the flour, oats, brown sugar, salt, baking soda and cinnamon in a medium bowl, stirring well with a whisk.
   
3. Drizzle the butter and juice over the flour mixture, stirring until moistened (mixture will be crumbly).
   
4. Reserve 1/2 cup of the oat mixture, then press the remaining oat mixture into the bottom of an 11" x 7"h baking dish coated with cooking spray.
   
5. Combine the cranberries, sour cream, granulated sugar, four, vanilla, orange zest and egg white in a second medium bowl, stirring well.
   
6. Spread the cranberry mixture over the crust.
   
7. Sprinkle the reserved oat mixture evenly over the filling.
   
8. Bake for 40 min. or until the edges are golden.
   
9. Cool the bars completely in the pan on a wire rack.

Yield: 24 squares

Nutritional Info
Calories: 133
Fat: 4.6 g
Sat fat: 2.6 g
Protein: 1.5 g
Carbs: 21.9 g
Fiber: 0.9 g
Cholesterol: 13 mg
Sodium: 67 mg

The Faudie's Futzings
Prepare for a shock, Gentle Reader: Despite my rambling and raving on and on so far in this post about those delicious orangey dried cranberries, I did not use them in this recipe.

I'll give you a minute to scrape yourself off the floor.

Back now? Great! Let's continue.

I opted not to use those precious gems this time because I didn't want to risk them going to waste in a recipe that was absolute crap. Remember that bland-ass bars I made from a recipe from Whole Paycheck? Well, I was fearful this recipe would have the same result.

But before I get to that result, let me review my futzings:

• Instead of all-purpose flour, which I do have, I whipped out my long-neglected bag of white whole wheat flour. The nutty flavor of that stuff pairs excellently with oats.
  
• I used Promise fat-free butter, even thought I have both Blue Bonnet Light and a light, hormone-free butter we use for bread.
  
• I used fat-free sour cream. I'd considered using fat-free plain yogurt but opted for the fat-free sour cream instead to remain truer to the original recipe.
  
• Morton's Lite Salt is just as good as regular salt, thank you very much.
  
• While I once again have a few whole eggs in my refrigerator, I used three tablespoons of liquid egg whites, which I whipped a little with a fork before adding to the bowl of filling.
  
• I zested a small Valencia orange, so I know for sure I put in more than half a teaspoon of the stuff. How much total went into the bowl I can't say for sure.

Zesty!

Prepare for another shock, Gentle Reader: I used regular brown sugar (light, not dark) and regular white sugar. I can't explain why I opted for the regular brown sugar; perhaps I did it because I have a brand-new bag of the stuff in my pantry. As for using white sugar, I had to do that because I didn't have enough Clabber Girl sugar replacer. Sad to say that more than a year after buying several bags when it was put on clearance, I'm almost finished with my last remaining bag. Fare thee well, Clabber Girl.

Despite not using the orangey dried cranberries, the finished bars had a wonderfully distinct orange flavor. I chalk that up to the probably doubled, if not tripled amount of orange zest. That's not to say, though, that the cranberry flavor is lost. It's fully present, as is the nutty-oaty flavor of the crust.

The bars were just too delicious not to desire immediately to make a second batch with the orangey dried cranberries. However, I really didn't need two batches of the things in my kitchen, so I struck upon a brilliant idea: The boy can take the first batch with him to school for the Feast of Sharing. Brilliant, non?

And it would have been a great way to be rid of the first batch in a nonwasteful way--if the boy had remembered to take the container with the bars out of his school bag when he got to school. How the hell he took out his homework folder that was in the same compartment as well as the pair of tongs and bag of styrofoam bowls I sent along for the bulgogi and japchae and his cup and little bags of snacks but forgot the container of bars is just beyond me. Maybe he decided he didn't want to share them, but then he never asked for one once they'd returned to their place of birth.

Le sigh. That second batch will have to wait a few more days.

Batman Wants You to Eat Your Vegetables

The husband found this book in the "collectibles" section at Half-Price Books and had to blog about it.

--The Faudie
Remember the end of the first Superman movie, when Superdude turnes back time by reversing Earth's orbit? No, it didn't make one damn lick of sense, but I'm not here to complain about that. Instead, I'd like to pretend Superman is spinning the planet backwards again...

...and now it's 1982! And this cookbook is available at your neighborhood bookstore:

Yup, it's the DC Super Heroes Super Healthy Cookbook. This no doubt well-intentioned oddity tries to get children excited about eating healthy foods such as sprouts and wheat germ (seriously, half of the recipes include wheat germ) by having the likes of Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman pretend that these recipes are really, really exciting. Don't take my word for it, though. Let's examine a few select pages together.

Yeah, this is messed up. Here you have two winged superheroes, admiring a breakfast that looks like a bird...made from eggs. So enjoy the cheerful little birdie, if you can get past the creepy infanticide/cannibalism vibes it's giving off.

Remember when Batman was fun? Because this is 1982 and Frank Miller hasn't been born yet (at least, I hope he hasn't been born, as that's the only excuse I can think of for his juvenile writing), Batman is still a nice guy, dressed in baby blue and almost--almost--cracking a smile as he wastes his time investigating a plate of French toast.

The highlight of this picture is, of course, Robin's comment about "putting the banana in the Batman." Say what?!?

Okay, this one's actually kind of cool. Dig those crazy-lookin' sandwich monsters! Green Lantern spends most of the book fighting peanut butter-based antagonists. I have no idea why.

Supergirl has the same powers as Superman, but because she's female, she gets stuck making dinner. Nice. (But you do have to love these instructions: "Bake in oven for one hour at 375 degrees or cook for two minutes under heat vision if you have superpowers." If only.)

Not more bananas! William Moulton Marston would be having a field day with that illustration.

Here's the cookbook's big finale: a party to celebrate the founding of the Justice League of America, attended by everyone...everyone except the Martian Manhunter, who's mysteriously MIA. (I like to think J'onn is maybe in disguise as the punch bowl.) Again, as this is 1982, our heroes actually get to cut loose and have some fun.

If only they knew what's in store for them in the years following this party. Superman dies. Green Lantern dies. Green Arrow dies. Aquaman dies. The Elongated Man dies. Hawkman dies. Hawkgirl dies. Batman dies (or gets stranded in time, or gets lost on the way to the bathroom, or whatever). Kind of a bummer, isn't it?

Oh, well. On a more positive note, Zatanna returns to the fishnets and ditches the Count Chocula outfit.

So the DC Super Heroes Super Healthy Cookbook succeeds in making healthy eating fun, but more in the way of giving me an opportunity to snark about something than by me actually preparing any of the food. There is one recipe, though, that I may try someday if I have the time and the wheat germ. Until then, I'll return you to the year 2009. Get that globe spinning, Supes!

Battle of the Bread Machines, Day 6

How long has it been since the husband did one of these posts?

--The Faudie
It's been too long since the last throwndown in the Battle of the Bread Machines, our epic competition of Goodwill-bought bread machines. So let's get right back into the action, then!

Competitor #6: The Welbilt Bread Machine Model ABM-6000

Moreso than any of the other bread machines we've found at Goodwill, the Welbilt model ABM-6000 has the dents and scrapes to prove it's been around the block a time or two. It also came missing its kneading paddle, so once again Angela had to track down a replacement on eBay. (These silly paddles end up costing us more than the machines themselves!)

When we started the Battle of the Bread Machines--way back in July, for those who care--we got decent results from two other Welbilt models, the ABM-3600 and the ABM-100-3. I'm not sure if the ABM-6000 is older than these machines or not, but it certainly looks that way, given the amount of wear it displays. But who cares about appearances when there's bread to be made? As we began, we were certainly hopeful that the ABM-6000 would perform as well as its brothers.

The test recipe came from Better Homes and Gardens' Bread Machine Bounty.

Spiced Maple and Cranberry Bread

3/4 C milk
3 T maple-flavored syrup
1 T margarine or butter
1 1/3 C whole wheat flour
2/3 C bread flour
1/2 t salt
1/4 t apple pie spice
1 t yeast
1/2 C snipped dried cranberries

1. Add ingredients to machine according to manufacturer's directions.
   
2. Use Light setting, if available.
   

Yield: 1 lb. loaf

Nutritional Info
Calories: 90
Protein: 3 g
Carbohydrate: 18 g
Fat: 1 g (Saturated: 0 g)
Cholesterol: 1 mg
Sodium: 88 mg
Potassium: 71 mg

I followed this recipe pretty closely, though I did add vital gluten. (See how much we've learned about bread-making over the course of this competition?) The only other significant futzing was the creation of our own apple pie spice, which Angela prepared.

Once started, the ABM-6000 sounded like...well, it sounded something like this:

GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN!!!

Angela and I suspect that the pan doesn't lock firmly in place, though we can't tell whether this is due to poor design or simply too much use in the past. In any event, this is easily the noisiest bread machine to participate in our little contest.

Official Results for Competitor #6
Despite the noise and despite its scuffed appearance, I'm happy to report that the ABM-6000 produced a decent loaf of bread.

Our spiced maple and cranberry bread wasn't perfect--the maple flavor was nonexistent, and I only believe you can taste the apple pie spice because Angela assures me she can--but that's the recipe's failing, not the bread machine's. And even then, it's hard to be unhappy with the way the loaf turned out. It might not be a good spiced maple and cranberry bread, but it's a great wheat and cranberry bread.

Was all the noise worth this?

If the ABM-6000 were only a little quieter, it would probably be one of the top bread machines we've tested. But the fact that it is ridiculously loud (did I mention the GRRRNN RRRNN RRRRRNN sound?) means we still don't have a champion appliance yet. At some point I'm going to have to call an end to the Battle of the Bread Machines and name one of our appliances the winner, but in the meantime, we'll be continuing to check out the second-hand machines at Goodwill.

Things You Won't Ever Find in My Kitchen

See all the crazy gadgets on HuffingtonPost.com.

I have to admit, though, the recipe display is kinda nifty. But without a means for jotting down notes, substitutions, observations and, well, futzings, it really wouldn't be that useful.

By the by, if you want to see the real musical cake slice, check out its Web site. I feel sorry for the object that appears to be a gravy boat warmer. It's misidentified and deprived of an entry. And the maligning of the gravy boat continues....

And speaking of crazy ways to spend money on food preparation, I want a set of pans that makes these crazy-ass things:

Yes, truly these are a classic.

Bienvenue Chez Boeckman-Walker, Andy!

This weekend, we hosted Andy the Armadillo, the mascot of the boy's first-grade class. As part of our responsibilities and obligations as Andy's host, we tried to give him a taste of family life (poor soul!) while gathering fodder for an entry in his travelogue.

We tried really hard to think of nifty places to take Andy, but we wound up spending most of the weekend at home. He spent some time playing with the boy in his room, read some comics (Star Wars comics, of course), learned some yoga along with the boy and even squeezed in a consultation with Buddha alongside Jack, a pup I rescued from the side of the road on one of my biking adventures and who's visited the boy and his classmates.

I hope we kept the armadillo entertained. He didn't complain, but he might be the strong, silent type.

Thanks for visiting, Andy! Come again any time!

We Make Authentic Italian Pizza (Not)

I first learned about oo flour while reading Heat by Bill Buford. Given the husband's semisuccessful attempts to make pizza dough in the bread machine, I hunted down some genuine oo flour for him, popped it into the 'fridge and reminded him of its presence and the awaiting pizza-making opportunity. He finally got around to it. And what a culinary misadventure he had!

--The Faudie

My previous attempts at producing pizza crust dough using a bread machine have been passable at best (and disappointing at worst). Then along came an opportunity to try again, in the form of a bag of a high-protein wheat flour, Molino Bordignon Farino Tipo 00. Go ahead and click the link. I'll wait for you to return.

Are you back? Great! As you may have noticed, that Web site was Italian. But according to the Babel Fish translation, "Flour Type 00" is a "product obtained from the grinding and consequent national and foreign tender grain sifting freed from the substances strangers and the impurities." Also: "White woman introduces itself like powder, deprives of substances strangers and lumps." Okay, so maybe something gets lost in the translation. But you definitely get the sense this isn't any plain, run-of-the-mill flour! In fact, this is exactly the type of flour specified in the rules of the Verace Pizza Napoletana Association, an international trade association whose purpose is to promote the culinary tradition of the Neapolitan pizza. (And no, I didn't know any of this when I embarked on this particular culinary misadventure. I just wanted a pizza!)

Because a genuine Italian flour such as this one calls for a genuine Italian recipe, Angela searched online and found the following pizza dough recipe from Forno Bravo, a maker of Italian wood-fired pizza ovens:

Authentic Vera Pizza Napoletana Dough Recipe

4 C Molino Caputo Tipo 00 flour
1 1/2 C plus 2 T water
2 t salt
1/2 t dry active yeast

1. Mix the dough in a stand mixer, by hand or in a bread machine. If you are using a stand mixer, mix it slowly for two min., faster for 5 min. and slow again for 2 min.
2. Cover the dough and let it rise for 1 1/2 - 2 hours, or until double.
3. Punch it down and push out the air bubbles.
4. Form the dough into a large ball, then cut it into 4 to 5 equal pieces.
5. To make your pizza balls [Ha! --The Faudie], shape each piece of dough into a ball. Gently roll your dough into a ball, then stretch the top of the ball down and around the rest of the ball until the outer layer wraps around the other side. Pinch the two ends together to make a smooth ball with a tight outer "skin." Set your ball seam-side down where it can rest. Dust your pizza balls with flour, and store them under a damp towel, in a proofing tray, or under plastic wrap. This will prevent the outside of the ball from drying out and creating a crust, and becoming difficult to work with. The top of the pizza ball should be soft and silky.
6. Your pizza balls will need to rest for about an hour to become soft and elastic so they can be easily stretched into a thin crust pizza.

Yield: 4 to 5 crusts

Nutritional Info
Not provided, but remember: Se mangiate troppo alimento, ingrasserete.

The Husband's Futzings
So I have an authentic Italian flour and an authentic pizza dough recipe, and what do I do? I totally ignore the instructions and let the bread machine and its dough setting do all of the work instead. (But I did follow the ingredient listing very closely, with the only substitution being my use of the Molino Bordignon Farino Tipo 00.)

The pizza gods--no doubt part of the same pantheon as the FSM--did not take kindly to my deviation from the recipe. After loading all the ingredients into our trusty Welbilt model ABM-3600, Angela and I retired to the living room to wait while the machine prepared the dough. Only after much time did we realize the machine was being too quiet for too long following the first kneading cycle. Although we've used the ABM-3600 dozens of times without incident, the machine had turned itself off. (All fear the wrath of the pizza gods!) Fortunately, when Angela restarted the machine, it remembered where it was in the cycle and proceeded from there.

Once the dough was finished, we raced to make up the time we'd lost due to the bread machine malfunction. Even the boy was pressed into service to help roll out the dough. (This time we transferred the dough directly from the bread machine to the pan, which worked out fine.) Deviating once again from our authentic Vera Pizza Napoletana recipe, we elected to use all the dough for one thick-crust pizza, rather than four to five thin-crust pizzas. And in defiance of the Verace Pizza Napoletana Association's rules, which state that only fresh, all-natural, nonprocessed ingredients--such as San Marzano tomatoes and all-natural fior-di-latte or bufala mozzarella--are acceptable, we topped the pizza with our favorite ketchup-based BBQ sauce and a variety of processed cheeses, chicken and pepperoni. So much for authentic!

Il mio italiano è autentico ugualmente (non)

For all the drama, the finished pizza wasn't too bad--considering that the recipe didn't specify a baking temperature (we opted for 450 degrees) and that the oven wasn't fully preheated when I put the crust in for its initial baking and that the oven got shut off somewhere between the first and second baking [I really need to teach the Walker men how to use Lumpy. --The Faudie]. I should have given it a little more time in the oven, but hey, supper was running late and we were hungry. Sometimes you have to cut your losses and eat your pizza with a slightly underdone crust.

The taste was certainly fine, though perhaps not as good as the taste of that one crust we made using a bread machine recipe--you may remember that as the crust I found reminiscent of Little Caesars. So either I screwed up the Vera Pizza Napoletana pizza dough recipe or my tastes are just different from those of the Verace Pizza Napoletana Association. (Or probably both.)

Haven't Posted One of These in a While

Look at that. I've logged 2,500 miles of jogging with Nike+. And y'know what, Gentle Reader?

I'm not excited. I'm not thrilled by the accomplishment. I'm just...ambivalent.

Surprising, non? I used to love to share my running milestones. I'm not sure what's changed. Maybe it's that Nike's redesigned--poorly--the Nike+ site, making it less user-friendly.

Maybe it's that running has become commonplace. After all, it's been two years now. After two years of doing something, it becomes just another part of the routine.

Maybe it's that I no longer have the challenge of going faster and farther. Or, rather, maybe it's that I've had to limit myself if I want to keep doing this. I only run a little over an hour four days a week--enough to get in 8 miles each of those days--so that I can not only get done everything else I have to do in a typical day but also so that I don't get my right hip bursa all inflamed and irritated and achy again. Twice is enough, thank you very much.

Maybe it's that I've found a new challenge in cycling. In a few days, I'll get my new bike out of layaway, and I've been plotting what kind of rides I'll take on it to challenge myself. I've been seriously contemplating riding the whole of Loop 360 this coming spring. (Unless you're from Austin or have visited and know the hilly, curvy, kiddie roller coaster-ish ride Loop 360 is, you probably can't appreciate that challenge, Gentle Reader.)

That's not to say I have any plans to stop running, although I swear there have been days lately when I just don't want to get on the treadmill. But running does my body good, so I'll keep doing it. And I'll keep logging the miles--so long as my iPod and Nike+ chip let me.

Will I crow about my milestones? I dunno. I suppose when I can remember to check my total mileage on the crappy Nike+ site--but don't expect me to visit it that often.

Like Something That Came out of a Microwave Meal

Despite being dog-tired Sunday night, I was itching to try something new for supper. I didn't have much of a hankering for any flavor in particular, nor did the boys. So into my trove of recipes that have piqued my interest I dove...and I pulled out a dud.

Orange-ginger Skillet Chicken1 C chopped orange sections
1/2 C orange juice
1/4 C chopped green onions
1/4 C low-sodium soy sauce
3 T fresh lemon juice
2 T olive oil
1 T honey
2 t grated peeled fresh ginger
1 t ground coriander seeds
1 1/2 lb. chicken breast tenders
8 C cooked rotini (about 1 lb. uncooked corkscrew pasta)

1. At home, combine the chopped oranges, OJ, chopped green onions, soy sauce, lemon juice, olive oil, honey, grated ginger and ground coriander in a large heavy-duty zip-top plastic bag and seal.
   
2. Place the chicken and cooked pasta in separate large heavy-duty zip-top plastic bags and seal.
   
3. At the campsite, add the chicken to marinade, seal the bag and marinate in a cooler for 3 hours.
   
4. Heat a large cast-iron skillet over hot coals (or over medium-high heat if at home).
   
5. Add the chicken mixture to the skillet, and cook it 15 min.
   
6. Add the pasta and simmer 5 min. or until the chicken is done and the pasta is thoroughly heated.

Yield: 6 servings (serving size: 2 cups)

Nutritional Info
Calories: 473
Fat: 7.3 g
Sat fat: 1.2 g
Protein: 36.2 g
Carbs: 63.7 g
Fiber: 3.7 g
Cholesterol: 66 mg
Sodium: 433 mg

The Faudie's Futzings
No, Gentle Reader, the boys and I weren't camping last Sunday, and we sure as hell weren't having some kind of outdoor culinary experience. (I've slept out-of-doors twice in my life and have no desire to add to that number.) I apologize if I disappoint you in any way when I say that I prepared this dish in the comfort of Chez Boeckman-Walker. No open fires were involved.

Maybe, though, an open fire would have made this dish more interesting. Or maybe if I'd followed the recipe more closely, the final result would have had more zip:

• I didn't let the chicken marinate for three hours. I think it maybe got 30 minutes.
  
• I used just under a tablespoon of olive oil in the marinade. Two tablespoons struck me as an awful lot.
  
• I was fresh out of green onions, and after a long weekend, I was not pedaling down to HEB to pick some up.
  
• I completely forgot to add the soy sauce to the marinate. It went in not long after the chicken started to cook through.
  
• I used bottled minced ginger, so sue me.
  
• I squeezed two whole lemons into the marinade. Don't ask me how close that might have been to the required 3 tablespoons.

As for the bed upon which the chicken and its sauce rest, I wasn't interested in eating this dish on rotini or any other pasta. I'm just not a pasta person, as I believe I've stated before. However, the boy is a pasta person. He thinks its exotic. (Hell, if you really want to knock his socks off, make him bad old-fashioned Americanized spaghetti. Talk about a blissed-out boy!) Me, I think pasta is rather dull and incapable of really absorbing flavors. And really, it's not supposed to. From what I've read here and there, particularly in Bill Buford's Heat
, pasta traditionally is the center of a meal at which it is served. It's not interchangeable with rice or another grain, to be smothered and lost under some sauce or other concoction as it is in America. But given how shitty American pasta-in-a-box is, that's probably the only way to make it palatable.

But I digress. I had a boy to feed and my own palate to please, so I made two bedding materials: I boiled up the last of the penne I had on hand for the boy (and the husband, who expressed an interest in trying the meat and sauce atop it), and I prepared 8 ounces of whole wheat couscous for me and the husband. Why couscous? Because I thought that some of the content of the marinade--the chopped oranges, in particular--would work well with the grain as they do in the orange couscous salad I love so dearly.

Sadly, I was grossly mistaken. I don't know if the greatly reduced marinating time foiled the flavor of this dish or if adding the soy sauce at the last minute did it, but I just didn't think the chicken and sauce had any...well, pop, for lack of a better word. I was expecting some tanginess from the citrus and some savory from the soy sauce and maybe a hint of sweet from the honey, but I didn't detect any of those notes. No, to my taste buds, the whole dish was just bland-not really orangy, not really gingery, not really anything at all. I felt like I need to apologize to the couscous for wasting it on this dish.

The husband reported the pasta didn't add much to the experience. For his part, the boy wolfed down his pasta. May the FSM help me the day he discovers Chef Boyardee. ::shudder::

Shameless Plug

In my Halloween post, I shared with you, Gentle Reader, pictures of the cupcakes and cake lollipops my dear friend, the world's greatest Spin instructor and, now, professional baker made for me and the boys. I mentioned at the time that I could not share her enterprise's Web site for it was not yet up.

Well, that's now changed!

The moment you finish reading this post, get yer arse over to SweetTreetsAustin.com. No, Gentle Reader, I take that back. Strap on a bib or strip off your shirt and then get yer eyeballs over to SweetTreetsAustin.com. Trust me, you'll be glad you took that shirt-protecting measure because the pictures Jackie's posted of her goodies are guaranteed to make you drool.

Not only do these little cake creations look incredible, but they taste incredible too. No Betty Crapper or Dinky Hines just-add-water muck here! And certainly no whipped, tastes-like-Crisco fluff atop them either. That's real buttercream frosting you see, Gentle Reader--enough so to make Paula Deen give a "Yeehah!" of pride.

Yeah, that Paula Deen, patron saint of atherosclerosis.

But I digress. (Not that I don't enjoy poking fun at Madame du Beurre whenever I can. She's an easy target for someone like me. And yes, I am that pathetic.)

My birthday is next Wednesday, and I'm anxious to know what cupcake I might receive. When she asked what kind I liked, I asked if she'd ever whipped up a carrot cake or a spice cake or even a zucchini cake--and at the time, she'd just earlier that day chucked a bunch of either carrot cake cupcakes or zucchini cupcakes from a large batch she'd whipped up for work because she didn't have room for them in her freezer and sure as hell didn't need them sitting around tempting her. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she might have needed to whip up another batch of any of those three flavors and set one aside for me.

Speaking of birthdays, I've already placed my order for some extra-special Sweet Treets for the husband for his birthday. Granted, that's not until January, but I have no doubt they'll be very special.

And if you're lucky enough to live in the Austin area, Gentle Reader, keep Sweet Treets in mind the next time you need some delicious, artful cupcakes for some event or just for the hell of it. You will not regret placing an order for your own Sweet Treets. Well, maybe you will if you scarf down the whole order all by yourself....

You Put the Lime in the Coconut

The husband, like me, got booted from selling plasma temporarily thanks to a low protein level. To improve his chances of passing his second SPE test, I gave him leave to take over my kitchen and befoul it with beef, in all its red meat, protein-packed glory.

--The Faudie

Angela found a recipe for crunchy coconut and lime burgers on AllRecipes.com a few months ago, and we finally got around to trying it out. Why now, you ask? Maybe a tropical-themed recipe was what we needed on an overcast and rainy day. Or maybe I'll jump at any excuse to find video of Kermit the Frog singing that "Coconut" song on YouTube. Which led, of course, to either the me or the boy endlessly singing "You put the lime in the coconut...you put the lime in the coconut...you put the lime in the coconut....," for the rest of the day. We're sure the song has other lyrics, but they aren't as much fun to sing.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the recipe:

Crunchy Coconut and Lime Burgers

1 lb. ground beef
1/2 C unsweetened shredded dried coconut
1/4 C chopped fresh cilantro
1 egg
2 T lime juice
2 T Worcestershire sauce
1 T cream of coconut
1 t soy sauce
1 1/2 t salt

1 C mayonnaise
2 t cream of coconut
1 T chopped fresh cilantro

1 T vegetable oil
1 C unsweetened shredded dried coconut
1/2 t salt
4 hamburger buns, split

1. Combine the beef, 1/2 cup coconut, cilantro, egg, lime juice, Worcestershire sauce, 1 tablespoon cream of coconut, soy sauce and 1 1/2 teaspoons salt in a bowl until well mixed. Form into four patties and set aside.

2. Stir together the mayonnaise with 2 teaspoons of cream of coconut and 1 tablespoon of cilantro and set aside.
   
3. Heat the vegetable oil in a skillet over medium heat.
   
4. Stir in 1 cup of coconut and 1/2 teaspoon salt, then cook and stir until the coconut has turned golden brown.
   
5. Drain the toasted coconut on a paper towel-lined plate and set aside.
6. Preheat an outdoor grill for medium-high heat, and lightly oil grate.
7. Cook the burgers on the preheated grill to your desired degree of doneness (about 4 min. per side for medium-well).
8. Spread both cut sides of the hamburger buns with the cilantro mayonnaise.
   
9. Place the cooked burgers on the bottom buns, sprinkle with the toasted coconut and serve.

Yield: Four burgers

Nutritional Info
Calories: 1,166
Total fat: 96.4 g
Cholesterol: 188 mg

The Husband's Futzings
There were more than a few:

• I omitted the cilantro from the patties, knowing the boy doesn't like it (though I did use cilantro in the spread, of which I only made a fourth of the recommended amount, figuring that would be more than enough for us).
  
• I also omitted the egg at Angela's suggestion, as we assumed the patties would hold together fine without a binding agent because I used ground sirloin that was 90% lean.
  
• I used only a third of the amount of salt called for, based on feedback left on the recipe at AllRecipes.com.
  
• I squeezed two limes for their juice, which was probably more than two tablespoons.
  
• I flat-out forgot to include the soy sauce.
  
• The coconut was unsweetened chips, not unsweetened flakes. And Angela toasted them in about a teaspoon of ghee.
  
• I used Miracle Whip Light instead of mayo.

The recipe came together without any major complications. Angela was correct in suggesting the egg could be left out with no ill effects; the patties held together fine with no egg.

In fact, the only issue we ran into concerned our table service. After Angela prepared the toasted coconut, the kiddo was charged with taking it to the dining table. On the way (while singing a repeating refrain of "You put the lime in the coconut," of course), he lost his grip on the bowl and half of the coconut ended up on the floor. Oh, well. We'd made more than we needed, really.

The finished burgers, I'm pleased to report, were very tasty. Unlike the blueberry beef burgers, which didn't seem to have much blueberry flavor, both the coconut and the lime were quite prominent. The cilantro mayonnaise, even when slathered on thickly, didn't overpower the flavor of the patties. So I'd say this recipe was a success, certainly.

Tiki-tastic cuisine

Will we make these burgers again any time soon? Only the Tiki gods can say for certain, but I'd imagine we're not likely to prepare this recipe often. Angela doesn't enjoy beef, and the boy dislikes coconut enough that he actually removed the coconut from his patty. So if and when we make crunchy coconut and lime burgers again, I suspect we'll be making them for me alone!