Dumb Things Vehiclists Do

I'm a vehiclist. Some days I'm a motor vehiclist, and some days I'm a bicycle vehiclist. Lately, I'm more the latter than the former, and that's given me plenty of food for thought, particularly combined with observations of other bicycle vehiclists.

Realize, Gentle Reader, that being a bicyclist in Austin is nothing out of the ordinary. Lots of other cities have a good number of folks who try to bike to wherever they need to go, and they also probably have a good number of recreational cyclists. Nor do I suppose Austin's the only city with a rather vehement bikes-versus-autos never-ending battle. But, seeing as how this is Texas and, well, "everything's bigger in Texas," that catchphrase might apply to Austin's ongoing spat between cyclists and autoists. Perhaps if we didn't have this misperception about size and the ensuing selfishness and self-centeredness that come hand in hand with such a misperception, perhaps that spat wouldn't be so vociferous.

(Of course, I also suspect that if a certain bodily organ of the men in Texas truly were "bigger," we wouldn't have the need to overcompensate with space-hogging trucks, roads, houses, properties and other personal possessions. But living within certain geographic boundaries does not impart physiological endowment, so some of us just have to live with others' delusions of the need for size and the very real consequences of those delusions. Le sigh.)

I'm sure you can fathom, Gentle Reader, the following equation for disaster:

Large autos with drivers who feel they have a divine right to all the paved space a roadway affords along with a divine right to drive their massive autos however the hell they choose

+

Cyclists lacking the shielding of a few hundred pounds or more of steel, fiberglass and other materials but who spent a pretty penny on their own chosen mode of transportation who are convinced that autoists are all the scourge of the world, that traffic laws do not apply to them even when they choose to ride in the roadways and that someone owes them something because they choose to use a vehicle that does not pollute the environment
=
Very real roadway danger + Stupidity by the truckload

Getting hit by a car or truck while riding a bike is a tragedy, but more often than not, the extenuating circumstances are such that the tragedy could have been avoided. Too many times, I've observed such circumstances that could easily lead to tragedy but, by the will of the FSM or some other force in the universe, tragedy does not occur. But just because a tragedy is avoided does not excuse the dumbass behavior!

That said, if you are a cyclist, Gentle Reader, I'd better not observe you doing these dumbass things:

• Riding with your iPod or other in-ear entertainment device in use. You are not shielded by a few hundred pounds of steel, fiberglass and other materials and do not have the luxury of air bags, safety harnesses, reinforcement bars, bumpers, etc. You need all your senses at your full disposal to pay attention to what the hell is going on around you, not jammin' out to your favorite tuneage.
  
• Riding without a helmet. Do you really think your cranium is going to hold up to the forces at play when it hits the hard pavement going even just a few miles per hour?
  
• Riding against traffic. Hello, dumbass, you are traffic. Would you drive your car against the tide of cars going the opposite direction? Or do you just prefer to see your gruesome death or dismemberment coming at you?
  
• Ignoring the rules of the road. Again, dumbass, you are traffic. The rules of the road apply to you. This does not mean you get to go wherever you want whenever you want. Traffic lights and signs apply to you.

This last one particularly galls me because (1) I see it so frequently and (2) it's just so self-centered--and that self-centeredness puts the cyclist and the autoists in potential jeopardy. For example, the other morning while biking to the gym, I observed a dumbass cyclist attempting to cross six lanes of traffic to continue on her merry way westbound despite the lights being green for the northbound-southbound traffic. Obviously, this woman thought her need to get to her destination faster or her desire not to have to come to a complete stop with her feet off the pedals trumped the traffic laws, not to mention common sense. But, hey, maybe I'm just silly and self-centered in my desire not to be a traffic hazard and to, y'know, stay alive.

Of course, cyclists aren't the only ones doing dumbass things on the road. Gentle Reader, you surely have seen your fair share of dumbass drivers wherever you live and wherever you've driven. And somehow I doubt the dumbass stuff I've observed when autoists and cyclists attempt to share the same roadway at the same time is unique to Austin, but nevertheless, I'd better never encounter you doing these things when you're using an auto while I'm riding my bike:

• Hugging the white line just to prove something. Trust me, cyclists know the dumbass in the auto that almost ran them off the road is in a larger, more dangerous vehicle. Cyclists also already know that there are autoists out there who resent having to share the road with cyclists, therefore we don't need you attempting to educate us. Or kill us.
  
• Hovering. In an attempt to stay out of a cyclist's way, some autoists hang back. In doing so, the autoist becomes a traffic hazard to her or his fellow autoists (I suspect this is one of the causes of road rage) and the cyclist, who must continually guess if the dumbass behind her or him is going to finally pass and move on or is trying to turn or what.
  
• Succumbing to road rage. Really, autoists, why do you need to get so damned worked up over a cyclist on the road? The road is not yours. Yes, you help pay for its maintenance with your tax dollars, but it does not belong to you. You are not entitled to its use. Share. Just like you did when you were a kid and had to learn to cooperate with your peers.

When I'm biking on a fairly well-used roadway, I'm busting my ass to get to where I'm going. I'm not on a leisurely ride. Don't think for a minute I'm present to piss you off, autoist. I'm not present to try to shame you in some environmental awareness way. I'm just present because (1) I'm astounded I'm strong enough to bike to where I need to go and don't want to lose that ability, (2) I'm trying to burn a few more calories I probably shouldn't have consumed and (3) I'm cheap. That's right, Gentle Reader, I'm cheap. If I can bike to the gym or to Target, my tank of gas lasts a little longer, which means I don't have to spend as much money on gas.

Skin-flintedness, Gentle Reader. It'll probably be the death of me.