Monday Melodrama

If you're in a cheery mood and have no patience for self-indulgent whiners, then skip this post. I'm going to unload here because...well, I need to unload and I find myself with no other outlet.

Don't worry. I'll hold back until you've gone.

Still waiting.

Last chance.

Still here? Okay, that's your choice.

So here's the thing: I feel so frustrated I ready to reenact that infamous scene from Network.



Yeah, that one.

I can't frickin' find any job leads, and I'm scared. The husband's going to be having surgery soon (at least we hope to hell so--we've been dealing with this apnea shit for nearly a year now), and we all know how easily a person, a family can find herself or himself or themselves on the brink of financial ruin all because of medical bills even when she or he or they have insurance. Yeah, we have insurance (an HSA and high-deductible insurance that kicks in only in extreme circumstances, but that's a rant for another day) and we have a sizable nest egg in an account we rarely touch, but the surgery's probably going to wipe that out. And with only one real wage earner in the family and with prices rising....

Well, Gentle Reader, there are days when I just want to cry because I'm scared to death of what's going to happen. That's in addition to the days when I want to cry because I'm scared to death that the surgery (technically surgeries because the husband will be having at least two procedures done all at once) is going to make things worse for the husband (as we've been forewarned by the ENT) or not any better or that the husband will have complications--expensive complications. It's a medical procedure involving a stay in the hospital, Gentle Reader; we all know that if you want to stay healthy, you stay the hell away from hospitals.

But here lately it's the financial consequences that have been very heavily weighing on me. Where I used to be able to send out three or four email queries daily about potential money-making opportunities, I'm lucky if I send that many out a week. I wrestle constantly with the idea of going back to work fulltime, but after two weeks of school, I see that the boy, who crashes for at least an hour and would stay crashed longer if allowed to by his mum, needs the time at home after school to recuperate, if you will, from the school day. An afterschool care setting I doubt would provide him with that downtime. Plus I haven't even been able to find much in the way of fulltime employment that I'm qualified for.

Which leads me to another fear/concern/worry: The longer I "sit out," the less qualified I'm going to be for fulltime employment. Am I condemning myself to the "unemployable" status by trying to do the right thing for my kid, for my family? I do want to work, but I need flexibility. I don't want to find myself in my "golden years" absolutely destitute because I took time away from working fulltime and stopped building my 401(k).

And all this fear and frustration I can't discuss with the husband. The FSM knows he's got enough shit to deal with: being the sole wage earner in the home, managing all the crap he has to deal with at work, dealing with the physical and mental effects of his apnea, parenting. I can't dump this on him and put that kind of pressure on him. Plus.... Well, I love and respect the husband tremendously, but when it comes to situations like this, he just doesn't offer the kind of...support I find myself needing. In fact, I usually wind up feeling more guilt-ridden and shitty after trying to talk to him about this stuff than I did before.

Since the husband's out, I naturally turn to the blog to express my fear and frustration and resentment and whatnot. Because, hey, isn't that what the Web is for, to "anonymously" spew venom and other vileness?

I hate this apnea. In a way, it's robbed me of an attentive friend and partner and "brain mate." Once upon a time, the husband and I seemed to share a brain we were so closely aligned. But now...well, life has gotten in the way. The give and share and take of our relationship that I used to find could very well fuel my imagination and creativity has gotten damnedably bogged down in the inanities of life: bills, parenting, household chores, routines. And I know our relationship isn't the first to ever have this problem, and it sure as hell won't be the last. And it doesn't help that I'm feeling incredibly insecure right now. I just wish....

Well, I wish for a lot sometimes. And then I curse myself for wasting my breath and wasting the moment. So I guess I'll walk the boy to school and then hit the gym. Maybe something'll come to me when I'm running today. Or maybe I'll just let the tears leak out while I'm running. Or maybe I'll just sweat 'em out. I don't know.